This past year, particularly the last few months, have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and hardships. There have been challenges at work, significant family problems, and feelings of incredible loneliness. I have friends that I love, yet since I am one of the few single ones, these relationships that I value tend to be primarily by appointment. I completely understand and respect the fact that my friends' priorities lie with their own families, where they should be, but it can be taxing coming back to my place and being the only one who occupies that space. Times when the loneliness hits tend to be when my friends are enjoying their family time and so I feel as though I would be intruding on some level if I were to reach out.
Truthfully, I want someone to come home to; someone to share life with. Especially during the times of brokenness, I wish I had someone with whom I could curl up next to and share the depths of my heart. I've had some pretty intense moments of brokenness lately as I learn to let go of preconceived notions of how my life would be. Allowing others to be who they are, even when their choices are hurting me. To honour the process of healing that my loved ones are walking through while my heart is breaking.
My one constant is my relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm starting to understand that He truly loves me, unconditionally, just as I am right now. He embraces my brokenness, my weaknesses, and my failures. He's not afraid of who I am, even when the sight isn't very pretty to behold. He won't love me more if I do more for His glory and He won't love me any less if I stop doing what He desires me to do. I am safe with Jesus, especially my heart.
In His presence, I am stripped of all pretenses, all attempts at being strong in my own eyes. I merely am who I am. Yet somehow, God looks at me and only sees the beauty that He has placed there. I feel valued and cherished beyond measure, not for what I can do, but rather for who I am...imperfections and all. There is no guilt or shame in His presence and I am learning to rest in the comfort of God's embrace.
As much as I long for companionship and my own love story, the ability to turn to God first when feelings of brokenness and loneliness are threatening to swallow me whole is a habit that I highly value. No human being will be able to be everything to me at all times. When I seek God's heart and perspective during the storm, He opens my eyes to the hope I still have in Him. I also begin to see the good that He has already been bringing about in my situation as well as the good that He has in store. I am trusting that He will bring healing and restoration: that there will be beauty in the broken. This pain will not be wasted, but rather, turned into a monument of God's grace and mercy in my life.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Saturday, November 2, 2013
A Matter of Time
Sometimes I consider myself a patient person, other times, not at all. When I'm waiting for something that I really want, it can be hard to wait with a good attitude. Marriage and having a family would definitely rank as things I want as well as am looking forward to with all my heart. However, no husband or even potentials yet. I question God at times, wondering why He hasn't "seen fit" to bring my man into my life yet. I get frustrated and discouraged occasionally.
Lately though, I've been feeling that I need to focus on and be thankful for what I do have rather than what I do not. I do have family and friends that love me, a great job, a nice place to live, and opportunities to minister to others in ways that maybe I wouldn't be able to if I was married already. I am in a unique season of opportunity and growth and I plan on taking full advantage of it.
In regards to timing, yes, I would like to meet my future husband sooner rather than later. One thing that struck me today though was that I have done a lot of growing and working through baggage the last few years. If I had been married already, it would have been more difficult to work through those issues while directly affecting someone else that I was spending my life with. I also wouldn't be writing this blog.
If remaining single longer means that my husband and I have the chance to grow up more, becoming the fullness that God has called us to be, as well as having unique ministry opportunities, then I am grateful for this time of singleness. I was reading through someone's testimony of how, when she was only 15, she purposed to put aside the next five years to focus solely on God and not be distracted by guys. After that period of time, she met her husband. My first thought was, maybe I could give it until my next birthday which is in March as I didn't even want to wait a whole year. After thinking it through some more, I realized that I would rather have to wait another year or two, even longer, if that would bring the most glory to God.
The passing of time can be exciting as it draws us closer to hoped for fulfillments of dreams, but it can also be depressing as that much more time has gone by without the realization of those same dreams. It's all a matter of perspective. Although I know there will still be times that I struggle with being single, I choose to focus on the good that comes from this time and not try to rush God because I'm impatient.
I will continue praying for my husband as well as praying that any obstacles in the way of us being together be torn down through the power of Jesus' name. I will also be choosing to thank God for the blessings He has placed in my life, even if they aren't the ones that I wish I had. There is value in every moment of every day. I look forward to enjoying those moments, both as a single woman, and eventually, as a wife and mother.
Lately though, I've been feeling that I need to focus on and be thankful for what I do have rather than what I do not. I do have family and friends that love me, a great job, a nice place to live, and opportunities to minister to others in ways that maybe I wouldn't be able to if I was married already. I am in a unique season of opportunity and growth and I plan on taking full advantage of it.
In regards to timing, yes, I would like to meet my future husband sooner rather than later. One thing that struck me today though was that I have done a lot of growing and working through baggage the last few years. If I had been married already, it would have been more difficult to work through those issues while directly affecting someone else that I was spending my life with. I also wouldn't be writing this blog.
If remaining single longer means that my husband and I have the chance to grow up more, becoming the fullness that God has called us to be, as well as having unique ministry opportunities, then I am grateful for this time of singleness. I was reading through someone's testimony of how, when she was only 15, she purposed to put aside the next five years to focus solely on God and not be distracted by guys. After that period of time, she met her husband. My first thought was, maybe I could give it until my next birthday which is in March as I didn't even want to wait a whole year. After thinking it through some more, I realized that I would rather have to wait another year or two, even longer, if that would bring the most glory to God.
The passing of time can be exciting as it draws us closer to hoped for fulfillments of dreams, but it can also be depressing as that much more time has gone by without the realization of those same dreams. It's all a matter of perspective. Although I know there will still be times that I struggle with being single, I choose to focus on the good that comes from this time and not try to rush God because I'm impatient.
I will continue praying for my husband as well as praying that any obstacles in the way of us being together be torn down through the power of Jesus' name. I will also be choosing to thank God for the blessings He has placed in my life, even if they aren't the ones that I wish I had. There is value in every moment of every day. I look forward to enjoying those moments, both as a single woman, and eventually, as a wife and mother.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)