Beauty in the broken

This past year, particularly the last few months, have been filled with a roller coaster of emotions and hardships.  There have been challenges at work, significant family problems, and feelings of incredible loneliness.  I have friends that I love, yet since I am one of the few single ones, these relationships that I value tend to be primarily by appointment.  I completely understand and respect the fact that my friends' priorities lie with their own families, where they should be, but it can be taxing coming back to my place and being the only one who occupies that space.  Times when the loneliness hits tend to be when my friends are enjoying their family time and so I feel as though I would be intruding on some level if I were to reach out.

Truthfully, I want someone to come home to; someone to share life with.  Especially during the times of brokenness, I wish I had someone with whom I could curl up next to and share the depths of my heart.  I've had some pretty intense moments of brokenness lately as I learn to let go of preconceived notions of how my life would be.  Allowing others to be who they are, even when their choices are hurting me.  To honour the process of healing that my loved ones are walking through while my heart is breaking.

My one constant is my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I'm starting to understand that He truly loves me, unconditionally, just as I am right now.  He embraces my brokenness, my weaknesses, and my failures.  He's not afraid of who I am, even when the sight isn't very pretty to behold.  He won't love me more if I do more for His glory and He won't love me any less if I stop doing what He desires me to do.  I am safe with Jesus, especially my heart.

In His presence, I am stripped of all pretenses, all attempts at being strong in my own eyes.  I merely am who I am.  Yet somehow, God looks at me and only sees the beauty that He has placed there.  I feel valued and cherished beyond measure, not for what I can do, but rather for who I am...imperfections and all.  There is no guilt or shame in His presence and I am learning to rest in the comfort of God's embrace.

As much as I long for companionship and my own love story, the ability to turn to God first when feelings of brokenness and loneliness are threatening to swallow me whole is a habit that I highly value.  No human being will be able to be everything to me at all times.  When I seek God's heart and perspective during the storm, He opens my eyes to the hope I still have in Him.  I also begin to see the good that He has already been bringing about in my situation as well as the good that He has in store.  I am trusting that He will bring healing and restoration: that there will be beauty in the broken.  This pain will not be wasted, but rather, turned into a monument of God's grace and mercy in my life.

A Matter of Time

Sometimes I consider myself a patient person, other times, not at all.  When I'm waiting for something that I really want, it can be hard to wait with a good attitude.  Marriage and having a family would definitely rank as things I want as well as am looking forward to with all my heart.  However, no husband or even potentials yet.  I question God at times, wondering why He hasn't "seen fit" to bring my man into my life yet.  I get frustrated and discouraged occasionally.

Lately though, I've been feeling that I need to focus on and be thankful for what I do have rather than what I do not.  I do have family and friends that love me, a great job, a nice place to live, and opportunities to minister to others in ways that maybe I wouldn't be able to if I was married already.  I am in a unique season of opportunity and growth and I plan on taking full advantage of it.

In regards to timing, yes, I would like to meet my future husband sooner rather than later.  One thing that struck me today though was that I have done a lot of growing and working through baggage the last few years.  If I had been married already, it would have been more difficult to work through those issues while directly affecting someone else that I was spending my life with.  I also wouldn't be writing this blog.

If remaining single longer means that my husband and I have the chance to grow up more, becoming the fullness that God has called us to be, as well as having unique ministry opportunities, then I am grateful for this time of singleness.  I was reading through someone's testimony of how, when she was only 15, she purposed to put aside the next five years to focus solely on God and not be distracted by guys.  After that period of time, she met her husband.  My first thought was, maybe I could give it until my next birthday which is in March as I didn't even want to wait a whole year.  After thinking it through some more, I realized that I would rather have to wait another year or two, even longer, if that would bring the most glory to God.

The passing of time can be exciting as it draws us closer to hoped for fulfillments of dreams, but it can also be depressing as that much more time has gone by without the realization of those same dreams.  It's all a matter of perspective.  Although I know there will still be times that I struggle with being single, I choose to focus on the good that comes from this time and not try to rush God because I'm impatient.

I will continue praying for my husband as well as praying that any obstacles in the way of us being together be torn down through the power of Jesus' name.  I will also be choosing to thank God for the blessings He has placed in my life, even if they aren't the ones that I wish I had.  There is value in every moment of every day.  I look forward to enjoying those moments, both as a single woman, and eventually, as a wife and mother.

What is your motivation?

The motivation of love is 100% more powerful and effective than the motivation of fear or hate.  It also has positive long term effects.  The majority of my life was lived out of fear: fear of punishment, fear of rejection, or fear of failure.  I look at the growth I experienced during the first couple decades of my life and see that although I was a Christian since a very young age, it was a very slow growing process.  In the last few years though, since God began setting me free of many negative mindsets, I've had an entirely different experience.
With a motivation of love, I am finding that my growth in Christ keeps increasing in leaps and bounds compared to my past.  My life has completely turned around because I am desiring to please God rather than doing something because I'm afraid of what He'll say or do if I don't.

This principle applies to every aspect of my life.  In a practical sense, if I am desiring to live a healthy lifestyle, I'm not going to get very far if my primary motivation is hate for the body I have now or fear of what I'll become if I don't change things around.  However, if I eat healthy and exercise because I love myself (no, not in a proud way, but loving the work that God has made), then I am more likely to continue making good choices in how I take care of myself.

Same goes for relationships.  If I'm lonely and afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, my motivation for dating someone is not very good.  Entering a relationship because of this motivation will most likely produce an unhealthy relationship.  I want my motivation for dating/getting married to be because I feel God's blessing on it and that together with this man, we can be stronger in Christ than we could be apart.

Preparing for Marriage...Now???

I feel like I've been in a state of preparation for years.  Yes, God has put on my heart to get ready for marriage before the man has even come into my life.  To some, that might seem ludicrous or simply wishful thinking...that preparing will somehow magically produce my husband.  To me though, readying myself now means that I am becoming the fullness of who I am called to be and dealing with my baggage, before being put into such an intimate relationship.

Marriage is a big deal to me.  I have always taken relationships seriously and desired to have a relationship that is everything God meant it to be.  How can I expect to have such a relationship though if I assume that everything will fall into place once I meet my man...that I will suddenly know how to do and say the right things?  Having a God-honouring relationship starts with two people putting God first and allowing Him to mold them into who they were designed to be.  There will be continual growth throughout the marriage, but I'd much rather already be in a stage of positive growth before even meeting my husband.  

One area in particular that I am learning to grow in right now is communication.  I am finding ways that I can stand up for myself so that I am honouring God, myself, and the other person.  I hate conflict and tend to try to avoid it at all costs.  I'll refuse to be honest about things that hurt or frustrate me because I don't want the other person to be hurt or to think less of me in their hurt.  Yet, these habits only produce the negative fruit of resentment, fear, and unhealthy relationships.  I can only imagine how destructive my fear of confrontation would be in a marriage if I never did anything about it!

As I learn to grow in areas that are hard for me, God is stripping away the ugliness inside me and revealing the beauty He has placed there.  I am gaining victory over strongholds of fear, doubt, insecurity, selfishness, etc.  Who wants to bring those negative qualities into a marriage?  I'm not saying those issues will never affect me again, but I would rather start working through them now, before I have another person who is directly affected by my choices.  I firmly believe that my marriage will be stronger as I focus on becoming all that God has called me to be...now!

The Legacy of Honour

Sometimes, I wonder why I should bother honouring certain people who may never know how I talked about them behind their backs.  I'm thinking of this past year when I was getting to know two guys (at totally different times).  In both instances, my heart was getting involved as it was looking like things would progress into a relationship, only to be disappointed by the guy not being ready for a serious relationship.  With the most recent guy, I was very angry and hurt at first.  Part of the reason for the strong emotions was very much due to the upheaval in my life caused by my parents separating and other significant changes in the same time frame.

The first couple days, I allowed myself to express my anger in the privacy of my home.  However, even though no one else could hear me but God, I felt that it was wrong to express my anger in a way that was disrespectful to this man.  Name-calling and put-downs were unacceptable.

It took awhile, but after praying quite extensively, I had to make the choice to lay aside my right to be spiteful, and choose not to sin in my anger.  Yes, I'm sure better decisions could have been made by this man, which would have saved me a lot of grief.  Despite that fact, I still needed to honour him, despite how "worthy" he might be of it.

As I began to make choices that honoured him in my thoughts, words, and actions, God revealed to me how these decisions were creating a legacy of honour.  Although this man had no idea what I was saying/not saying about him, the way I handled the situation was having major effects in the spirit realm.

On both sides of my family, there are quite a few examples of negative relationships and marriages.   I used to be terrified that I was doomed to have a relationship like my parents'.  Yet, as I choose to keep my eyes fixed on Christ and His plan for my life, I realize that I have hope to break the chains of generational curses, particularly with relationships, and create new legacies of generational blessings.

When I chose to honour that man that I had felt hurt by, I began to get excited.  I was breaking off old ways of dealing with problems and creating new, Godly ones.  I was building a legacy of honour for my future children!  I was also gaining clarity in areas that God wanted to work with me on so that I could grow from this experience.

The spiritual atmosphere has a powerful effect in our everyday lives, and I am positively influencing this atmosphere when I honour the people God has placed in my life, especially when it hurts.  The truest tests of my character are when I have been wronged.  It's easy to honour people when they treat me well.

As I build good habits with honouring others now, I can pass on those skill sets to my children.  Strongholds of anger and bitterness will be replaced with mindsets of honour, love, and respect.  There will be times that my children will get angry and hurt, but as I model what it looks like to treat people as Christ would, staying clear of criticism, name-calling, and put-downs, they will be empowered to do the same in their own lives.  Mistakes will still be made, both in my life and my children's, but I believe that a legacy of honour is being built with each decision to honour instead of tear down.

The Power of Honour

As a teacher, I have many encounters with people of totally different backgrounds, personalities, beliefs, and viewpoints.  I don't always see eye-to-eye with them and may disagree not only with what they are saying, but with how they are treating me.  Times like these, I realize not only how important honour is, but the immensity of the power it contains as well.

First, think of the spirit of retribution.  Someone wrongs you, you wrong that person in kind.  A real life, but sad, example is of gang wars.  I hear in the news or see it portrayed in shows how a gang member will be injured by a rival gang, which leads to retribution for the injured member, which sparks what seems to be a never-ending feud.  When does it end?  When there's no one left to carry on the retribution??  Does revenge actually accomplish anything positive or does its partakers only reap negative rewards?

Sticking with the teacher example, there will be times that I am angered and hurt by the words/actions of a parent or even a co-worker.  My first instinct is to be defensive and find ways to "put them in their place." However, I can stand up for myself while still remaining humble and retaining a spirit of honour.  When I choose to lay aside my rights to lambaste them (in the most tactful, discreet way possible of course ;-)), and instead, choose to honour and seek ways to work with them in rectifying the problem, positive rewards come from those choices.

Honour means to greatly respect, regard, or esteem someone.  I propose that honour starts with our relationship with God.  When we have that intimacy with Christ and know our identities in Him, we are better equipped for being who He's called us to be.  It won't always be easy, but I believe that honouring others, whether or not they deserve it, honours God above all.  Instead of seeking only to get my own way, I can value others and their input.  I esteem them and the relationship more than being right.

As I seek to build a culture of honour in my classroom and with my students' parents, as well as in all other areas of my life, I believe that honour fosters more honour.  When people feel valued, they are more likely to drop their defenses and desire to work with you in coming to a solution that both parties feel is acceptable.  And the best part, is that God is honoured in the process of figuring out the problem.  Seek to honour in all circumstances, with all people, and see what God does!  Honour does not mean being a doormat, but rather, being God's diplomat.

The Importance of Honour

The topic of honour has been on my heart for a few years now.  I believe it is incredibly important to live a life of honour for God and others.  Even things that seem relatively harmless such as jokes that highlight stereotypes (sayings that indicate that men are dumb and lazy or that women are a ball and chain in marriage or constant nags) are harmful.  These types of attitudes are damaging.

As a woman, the more I hear how men are inconsiderate buffoons, the more that influences my thinking towards them.  In addition, when I see and hear constant examples of how women are emotionally manipulative, irrational, and critical, the more I believe that is normal, even to be expected of me.  It lessens my standard for myself in how I relate to others.

However, God has called me to a higher standard than the world's normal.  When I allow myself to indulge in stereotypical mindsets, I am selling myself and others short.  I am also not choosing to see others or myself as God does.  

God knows that we as humans are not perfect.  However, when Jesus died on the cross, He died for the forgiveness of all sins of all time.  That means that when I choose to accept the free gift of salvation and live for God instead of myself, I am forgiven, both now and for any future sins I commit.  Now don't get me wrong, this forgiveness is not an excuse to do whatever I want, but rather, it removes the shame and guilt of sin from my life.  It gives me hope that I am going to become more and more like Christ as I trust and obey Him.

When God looks at me, as His beloved child, He doesn't see all the ugliness in me.  I find that I tend to be my worst critic and dwell on all that I've done wrong.  When I ask for forgiveness, Jesus' blood covers over all my sins.  Yes, He will sometimes highlight areas of my life where I am not trusting or obeying Him, but it's not to bring condemnation.  Rather, He encourages me with the promise that He will walk with me in becoming more like Him in that area of weakness. What God now sees is the gold that He has placed within me.  He calls out that gold and inspires me to become all that He has called me to be.

Now, when I look at myself, I ask God for His perspective.  I find that His truth really does set me free (John 8:32)!  I used to be afraid of what He would say about me, but I now know that when He speaks to me, He always brings hope.  He helps me see the areas that He is working in.  He tells me that He's proud of me and He shows me my worth in Him.  This perspective is a far cry from what the world would say about me.  Their unrealistic and damaging standard says that I must look or act a certain way to be accepted.  I am not honouring God if I follow the world's standard instead of His for my life.  

In addition, if I choose to accept the world's perspective of men and women, then I am not choosing to honour God's creation.  Yes, others will disappoint and even hurt me.  However, that still is not an excuse for dishonouring them through gossip, negative perspectives of them, or sarcastic put-downs.  God wants me to go beyond the natural and ask Him for His viewpoint.  Once I am seeing them through His eyes, I can focus on the gold that He has placed there (even if it seems to be buried verrryyyyy deep).  I can choose to honour them even when they don't deserve it.  

There is incredible blessing in living a life of honour.  It isn't an easy road to take as it can go against natural instincts as well as making us feel uncomfortable at times.  I have begun to see the blessing that comes from honouring God and others though.  Deeper, more loving, and meaningful connections are being made.  My heart is to inspire hope and Godly vision through the words I speak and the way I interact with others.  As I call out the gold in those that God has placed in my life, treating them as Jesus would, I hope to see lives changed.  Look at what happened when Jesus called out the gold in Peter.  He called Peter a solid rock in Matthew 16:18 when Peter wasn't even there yet (he later denied Christ three times).  However, as Jesus continued to call out that gold, Peter's life was transformed.

May my thoughts, words, and actions have such a powerful effect!  I choose to honour rather than take the easy way out and be critical of someone.  I know that I won't always get it right and will make mistakes, but I know that God is bigger than my weaknesses.  He will give me strength to pick myself up (or remove my foot from my mouth), make things right, and take another step in becoming more like Christ.  I can't wait to see what God continues to do in and through me as I honour those around me!