I'm a pretty even-keeled gal. Yes, I experience emotions, but it doesn't take me too long to return to a sense of equilibrium. In fact, I've tended to pride myself on my levelheadedness and being a more logical person. Whenever I did feel emotional, I would feel disgusted with myself and ashamed if the emotional state-of-being lasted too long. I had seen too many examples of women using emotion as a tool of manipulation and an excuse for making poor choices. They seemed to be living in a never-ending state of chaos, playing the role of the victim, and didn't seem to be enjoying life all that much. That existence was the last thing I wanted.
However, when things ended recently with a man I had been getting to know, I was shocked by how hard that blow hit me. I knew it would hurt, but I was more emotional than I have ever been before, possibly in my entire life. It wouldn't be fair to pin it all on him as there has been some other pretty significant events that had happened in my life shortly before, including my parents' separation, that had majorly contributed to my emotional upheaval.
I didn't understand why things happened the way they did and I was feeling pretty down. As days and weeks went by, I was surprised that I was still feeling emotional from time-to-time. This was not normal behaviour for me. One thing I did notice though...in a strange way, it felt good to "really feel." I was connecting with my experiences in a way I had never done before. And I wasn't despondent. I still had hope, knowing that God was so much bigger than all of these negative circumstances in my life.
Looking back, although I don't like how certain situations came about or were handled, I can see the good that God has brought from everything. I no longer feel ashamed or despise the times when I am emotional (or at least I'm working on that one). I recognize that I am human and God knows how I am made. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. So when I feel weak, that is the perfect opportunity for God to do what He does best: empowering me so that I can be more than a conqueror in Christ.
Allowing myself to experience emotion while claiming God's truth in my situation enables me to truly experience life. Being sensitive can be a good thing, as long as I don't use sensitivity as a crutch for not dealing with my own insecurities or issues. I don't have to be ashamed of a tender heart. God made me this way and instead of fighting against that, I can embrace it and let God give me grace to live in a way worthy of Him and His calling on my life.
Feeling a depth of emotion adds more colour to life in a good way. My relationships can be deepened with others, especially with God, because I am loving them with more than just my mind. My whole heart is involved. It might open the door to hurt and pain, but in my opinion, that is a risk worth taking. Great love takes great risk and my relationships with others and God are too important to only give a portion of myself. I look forward to seeing the beauty that comes from loving deeply!
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